hiding

A very good friend of mine got married this weekend (more on that later, as I am awaiting a picture taken that evening). 

This event, of course, involved a lot of drinking.

You may have noticed that I don't really drink all that much nowadays.  And its not because I'm too cool to tie one on here and there.  Nor is it because I think I am way more mature than my friends who do imbibe frequently.  Nor is it because I think I am an alcoholic.  Well, that last point could be debated, in all honesty.

Anyway, I don't really drink that much any more because of my weight.  If I drink they way I used to, I'd gain back every single god damn pound that I worked so hard to lose.  And as far as food exchanges go, I'd honestly rather eat a full-fat REAL chocolate chip cookie than drink 2 beers.  I also don't like losing 24 hours because of the drinking and then the recovery.  I really don't feel 100% back to normal yet.

So, near the end of the evening, after wearing my highest heels for the entire day (at that point, it was about 9 hours), I remarked to a friend about how my feet hurt.  He said, "Everyone else has their shoes off, you should just kick back and relax and have a good time."  I should also add, that while my feet did hurt terribly, I had not missed out on any fun by wearing the shoes as I was dancing pretty much the entire time.  Anyway, I said to this friend that I would not be taking the shoes off because I want to look good.  I want to look good for myself because then I feel good about myself.  I want to look good for Nick so he feels good about having such a hot chick by his side, which in turn makes me feel pretty damn confident about myself as well.

I guess that point was not well-received because I was told that I was hiding behind Nick and that I was not being my "old" self (younger, louder, fatter, extremely unhealthy, and unsure of myself).  This really struck a nerve with me because more than one person has said this since I have changed the majority of my eating and drinking habits.  It's very difficult to basically be put down for becoming the person you always should have been: healthy, fit, secure, and gorgeous.

Yes, I was hiding.  Behind a lot of things.  I was overweight and more self-conscious than anyone can ever imagine.  I over-compensated for that by being funny, drinking a lot, and hooking up with guys that wouldn't acknowledge me in public. 

I have not nor ever will hide behind Nick. 

Nick brought me out of hiding.

Comments

[Amy]

I feel exactly that way about myself & the architect - and have been similarly accused. I love my man, but he only helped me see my potential - he didn't change me in any way.

[Sam]

Eff that noise. You were beautiful before & you are beautiful now. People are stupid.

[Jen14221]

Sam's right.
xoxooxoxox, Jen

[spinner]

You've changed your life for the better, and Nick is part of that.

When you change so dramatically, some of your friends will "get it" and will still be able to relate to you and be friends.

And some won't.

That's life, and I'm glad you seem to recognize that and not let it get to you.

You were funny before and you are funny now.

[Lurker]

Hey Boozie, I first found your blog a bunch of years ago, before you met Nick. I was both amused and horrified at your shenannigans. I kept reading in the same way that people keep looking at a car wreck. What I saw was an awful lot of humor and intelligence but with a hugely self destructive streak. I never said anything because (a) it's not my business and (b) as if an anonymous blog comment ever changed anything. I just kept reading occasionally, waiting for the nose dive.

I haven't checked in for ages (way over a year) and I'm really glad to see that you're doing really well and your self confidence seems to have nudged the self destructive part aside. Way to bloom! This post is very revealing with regards to how you came to that. Best of all, you don't seem to have lost your sense of humor.

Go you! And congratulations on the wedding thingy!